when good tv goes bad

I do believe my TiVo has gone rogue.  Although in fairness, I also suspect that the Bad TV Program Schedule Updater Person needs to be held equally culpable in the matter.  Someone should get a good, old-fashioned punch in the chops.

WHYIOUGHTA

I set up my TiVo scheduling every few weeks as TiVo has the ability to ‘see’ future programming within a two-week time frame.  Unfortunately.  What TiVo is not smart enough to catch is when programming changes once it’s been scheduled to record.

Sometimes what you ultimately end up recording instead of what you really wanted to see is something you’ve already seen (read:  total bummer), something terribly ridiculous (read:  an infomercial featuring Montel Williams hawking a blending contraption), or something that if you watch it, will render you sleepless for the next week.

Which is, as one might imagine, A Very Bad Thing.

So. 

Rule #1, Page 3 of Television Viewing Handbook

“Thou shalt not watch programs that one did
not intend to record in the first place.”  

Ever.

Case in point.
I record quite a bit on the National Geographic channel.  Well.  That would actually be ‘Nat Gee-oh’ for all y’all cool, hip hop explorers.  I’m so not kidding.  That’s how they advertise it.   ‘Next on Nat Gee-oh …’ 

Break it down.  Brown-chicken-brown-cow.

Say it fast. You’ll get it.

Anyhoo.

Huang, Chinas Elephant Man, with his surgeon.

Partial photo of Huang, China's 'Elephant Man', with his surgeon.

I checked my TiVo playlist the other day expecting to find something on elephants or volcanos or puppies on Nat Gee-oh and instead unearth the most ghastly program I do believe I’ve ever seen.  Really.  Folks, there are some things that just should never see the light of day.

And lest you think I’m a terribly uncaring person, let me state for the record, I have the utmost sympathy for ‘China’s Elephant Man’. 

Seriously. I do

He seems like an awfully nice man in an unbearable situation.

However.

I am not exaggerating one itty-bitty iota when I tell you I cannot even post a photo of Huang from the program because it’s so unnerving.  Boggles the mind.  Go ahead.  Google it.  But be forewarned you should not be simultaneously partaking of your lunch when y’all go poking around for a peek.

That’s the only warning y’all are gonna get.

Don’t ask me why I actually watched portions of  ‘China’s Elephant Man’.  I have no good answer other than morbid curiousity.  Honestly?  It kept me awake for two nights after.

Then.

A&E got into a little program shuffling of their own and I ended up with two half-hour episodes of their new program ‘Hammer Time’.  Yes, MC Hammer of the ‘Can’t Touch This’ era.  Okay.  I liked MC Hammer in the day.  Not a fan per se, but hey … he’s kinda catchy.

A&E’s ‘Hammer Time’ is anything but catchy.  What a yawner.  A big fat piehole-gaping yawner.  Please take a moment to refer back to Rule #1 … never watch programs you didn’t intend to record. 

Stanley Burrell aka MC Hammer seems like an attentive family guy.  Four (five?) kids, a live-in teenage nephew, and longtime wife whose name has eluded me.  Mmm. Not so memorable. 

Sadly?  They’re all normal.  Not exactly a clever recipe for edge-of-your-seat reality television.

First episode we take a trip about Ye Olde House with Hammer and spend five minutes of valuable airtime searching for his lost cell phone.

Then.  We watch Hammer update Twitter via new-found cell phone. 

Momentary pause while I take a shot of whiskey to get through the next 10 minutes.
That being said, I will give the man credit.  He is one rippin’ typist. 
Can’t touch that.

Beyond that, I got nuttin’. 

Well.  Other than ten minutes of the family spring cleaning.

Mercymeohmy, willyalookatthat.  Hammer’s famous baggy pants, replete with Bedazzled jacket, are miraculously ‘discovered’ in the back of the closet during said cleaning.  Insert five more minutes of painfully uncomfortable viewing while Hammer and wife turn mushy over fond memories.

Oh.  And then in the whole mess there was some contrived studio dancing with Cousin Marvin, the sweaty Barry White clone.  And.  Well.  Gosh, if there was more to that initial episode, it has dribbled right back out of my head. 

Oh yes. 

Engaging.
All the errant program recording of late almost makes the current painfully awkward episodes of ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8’ seem Walton-ish charming. 
I said almost.  
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3 thoughts on “when good tv goes bad

  1. You know, there’s something almost comforting in knowing that Hammer has a long-time wife and that they are normal. Who would have thought? Right, doesn’t make interesting TV, but nice to think that there are celebrity families that don’t have a lot of drama following them.

    Of course, the record shows that if you do a reality show with your spouse, you will be divorced by the end of season 2.

    And let me just add: SUMMER TV SUCKS!

  2. Say it loud sistah! SUMMER TV SUCKS BIG TIME. I am completely bereft here. The best I can hope for is ‘Project Runway’ … in AUGUST. *accck*

  3. Imagine my pain as the “recording” light goes on on the DVR hooked up to the 50″ tellie in the living room. You know, the one that went kaput a week or so ago….just three months out of warranty. The Geek Squad wants $150 to come out and look at it and then howevermuch for parts. And me without another paycheck in sight until August. It’s going to be a l-o-n-g summer…

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