“There is nothing wrong with good schmaltz, nothing wrong with good heart. The critics think I’m kind of corny. Well, I am corny. As long as people respond to it, I’m okay.”
I love corny. I especially love Disney corny. Y’all would think for as many times as we’ve vacationed to The House of Mouse we’d find the whole experience rather wearisome by now. But. We don’t. Because maybe, we’re corny too.
So. Rather than encumber your brains with yawning vacation droll … my guess is the re-telling of our adventures would be infinitely less exciting for you than it was for us … I thought I’d use this blogging opportunity to post some random observations from our week in Florida. I think y’all will find that far less painful.
Planet Hollywood. Just say ‘no’. In your loudest voice. And mean it. Let me state for the record that $83 for two turkey club sandwiches, an order of chicken fingers, and a burger is absurd in any universe. And especially on Planet Hollywood. Beyond the ridiculous cabbage it costs for a simple meal, it’s also a noisy, worn-out fad of a restaurant where the bathroom counters sport bottles of mouthwash and Wal-Mart perfume. Oh. And Dum-Dum suckers in big bowls. Candy. In the bathroom. Creeped out yet or is that just me?
Magic Kingdom’s Splash Mountain. One of the things that excites me most about all of the Disney parks is the fantastical sense of imagination and attention to minute details in every single attraction. Walt is my hero. I’m not kidding. Splash Mountain takes you on a way cute journey with animated Brer Bear and Brer Rabbit, before plunging you 50 feet down a water run. Hence, the name ‘Splash Mountain’. Ahem. Corn at it’s finest, but one of my favorite attractions. Now. Tips for Splash Mountain: 1) when the temperatures dip below 50 degrees, no one rides. Geesh, whattabunchofpansies. 2) the last seat in every car stays 99% dry, which is great when … errr … the temperatures dip below 50 degrees and you don’t want to walk around soaking wet. Yes, we are Those Pansies.
Cinnamon-Sugar Glazed Pecans. I do, of course, realize that this tasty warm, happy little sweet treat is available in other areas of the world beyond Epcot. However. I found them more than a little addicting on our trip. It was totally shameful. By Day 2 of our wanderings through the parks, I found myself scanning the park map by 9:00 am each morning. ‘Where are we?! Is there a pecan stand close by?! SMELL THE AIR, BOYS! MAMA NEEDS HER PECANS!’
Winter Swimming. When you travel in December from the Midwest to Florida, I am of the firm opinion that sometimes one can forget to pack a Good Dose of Common Sense. In Orlando, the night-time temperatures this week barely broke 55 degrees. When we went to the parks in the evening, we wore parka-type vests, sweaters, and jeans. So. Riddle me this. When youngest son asks to go swimming before we don the winter attire to go to the park, what kind of mother acquiesces to such a ridiculous request? I mean, besides me.
Traveling 16-1/2 Hours, One Vehicle, Four People. iPods are wonderful inventions of the 21st century. Especially when you can plug them directly into your vehicle’s electronic workings and entertain yourself for a full 16-1/2 hours. That being said, folks, there is a limit to how many times you can listen to Jason Mraz’s ‘I’m Yours’. I hit said limit at about 53 times. OHMYGOSHSHOOTME. And y’all know you’ve gone through Jim Gaffigan’s stand-up routine a few times too many when your children start texting you from the backseat with his schtick. Hot pockets. Bacon. Bears. Okay, I laughed. The boys are nothing short of amusing. However. In my defense, by that point I was more than a wee bit punchy.
High-Definition Television. Our hotel suite had not one, but two HD TV’s. Those of you who have the joy of actually possessing such a cool piece of equipment will probably not appreciate my supreme joy of the whole high-def experience. But let me share with you, it was breathtaking. I wanted to eat everything on the Food Network. I wanted to climb into every show on the History Channel and mingle with the knights. They all looked so dadgum real. But most of all, watching the Daniel Day-Lewis interview on morning television I wanted to grab a box of crackers, drop him on one and eat the man up. Daniel Day-Lewis in high-definition. I can now die a happy woman.